Spotlight on Co-dependency

I was grateful to see a spotlight on the issue of "co-dependency" this weekend at church. There were other things, like hope, that were really the highlights, but it is always good to expose the truth about our tendencies to have co-dependent behaviors that threaten to derail our lives on a constant basis. Honestly, some of us have derailed long ago and we are still in denial, or even ignorance, that co-dependency may be at the root of our collision with life that leaves us a perpetual walking, or limping,  wreck.

What, you may ask, is co-dependency? Isn't it a thing that only people involved in relationships with people who have drug or alcohol issues deal with? Well, not really. It's complicated. It's that thing that makes us want to fix others; that thing that makes us want to be in control of everyone and everything; that thing that makes our happiness hinge upon what another person thinks of us or what they do or say in relation to us; that thing that keeps us in cycles of insanity because we cannot imagine ourselves outside of our relationships with people we either try to fix or have come to enable; that thing that gives us worth because we want to help others; that thing that ultimately keeps us stuck in an unhealthy place and tends to affect our decisions, our relationships and everything in our lives; that….and so much more.

No wonder people don't understand it. It tends to take us by surprise. It tends to take on a personality of it's own. It tends to morph into character defects that we try to justify. I mean, we are doing all of these things for the right reasons, aren't we? Yeah, right! How's that working for you? It has never worked very well for me. I doubt it does for you either. And, if you think it does, then I suggest that you may still be in denial or you haven't noticed the havoc this silent relationship killer tries to play in all of our lives. Chances are, you are no exception. Co-dependency is not a respecter of persons, just a common issue of most all people - whether they know it or not!

Please allow me to explain my own struggles with the co-dependency demons. Maybe it will help you see where I'm coming from. Maybe you will relate. Maybe your experience with the demons falls in another corner of the vast co-dependency universe. At any rate, let's take a closer look at what my insanity looked like and even a look at what I can still struggle with today when I let co-dependency traits guide my life, instead of giving my will and control over to God. He is so much better than me at handling me, my problems, and everyone else's problems. I'm just slow at getting that memo sometimes, or maybe I just try to ignore it. So, here goes…

My control issues present themselves in my assertiveness with my ideas to and for those I love. After all, I feel that I know what's best for them and I'm only doing it to protect them. Sound familiar? Yeah, it can ruin a relationship really quickly or it can hang around like a chihuahua nipping at the heels of a relationship. It really bites, though! My perfectionism issues come into play when I compare myself to others and feel like I'm not going to measure up or I'm not going to be good enough. What will people think about me if I'm not the very best; if I don't do a great job? Many times, I don't even try out of fear of failure. I cannot risk disappointing people or having them think I'm not good enough at something. Sound familiar? My classic co-dependency is more veiled, or it was for many years early in my marriage. I was conscious that something was lacking in my relationship with my husband. However, I couldn't put my finger on it. We would argue because I was disappointed in the expectations I had put on him. He couldn't live up to them, of course, but he also had no desire to be at my beck and call as I tried to fix us and control a marriage I felt was slipping out of my control. Why wasn't he present for his family? Why did it seem that he always had something to do for his own interests? Why was I so unhappy? My questions did not translate very well as I argued with him and tried to get a handle on why things just weren't right. He would tell me what I wanted to hear, that he loved me, that he was sorry and would do better. He would give me a sob story about his disappointments in life and how he was entitled to a little fun with the guys here and there. I rationalized that his views were reasonable. We would have calm waters in our relationship for a few weeks and then the storm would hit again, as we both soaked in our own disappointments and crashed again after riding the waves of unmet expectations. We crashed about on those waves for years and had the bruises to prove it. Looking back on it, it was an obvious train wreck, a clear cut cycle of insanity. Yet we had no idea when we were living in the spin cycle. It took God getting hold of us many years, and many tears, later to recognize and own our own follies, and to see how co-dependency played such a huge part in it.

I'm so thankful for the healing God has brought to our marriage, our relationship, and to both of us individually. We are blessed to have served in a Celebrate Recovery ministry for several years and gained many truths and tools to identify our pitfalls and learn how to let go and let God. It surprises people that our largest groups are for co-dependency. But, I've learned that codependency and the breakdown of relationships that often occur when we operate in our co-dependent tendencies are often a root cause for the habits or hang-ups that we may have developed over the years. We often get angry, even drink too much or medicate our pain with some drug because we just cannot stand to feel the pain of our feelings. Oh, what a tangled web the demons have woven into the framework of our relationships…and sometimes with our permission. All along we thought we were in control, when all along we were falling into a trap, a pit of epic proportions.

I still wrestle with my human nature, with my feelings that want to take me down a rabbit hole. I wrestle with wanting to control my husband - for his own good - lol. I try to do God's job all the time, but I've gotten better at stopping and recognizing the signs of co-dependency. I've learned how to take my thoughts captive and look for God's truth and weigh it against my real, but fleeting feelings. I always get into trouble when I lead with emotion, but if I can lean into God and ask Him to comfort me and show me His ways and give me His thoughts, I can have peace and let God do His job all by Himself. I've realized He doesn't need my help. I sort of mess things up when I assert my way and my will. I ask Him to help me not to fall prey to perfectionism and fear of what other people think of me. When I look for His affirmation, alone, I'm far less likely to look for that affirmation in people who weren't meant to do that job for me. It's a continual process, but I'm so glad I've learned everything I have learned about giving God the reigns of control in my life.

So, what about you? Does any of this ring familiar? Does it make you feel a little too good to rescue or help others, to be needed by them? Can you go from zero to one hundred emotionally, based solely on what another person in your life thinks or says to you? Do another person's actions dictate your happiness? Do you have relational arguments repeatedly and feel like you are never going to get off the roller coaster of insanity? Or have you even realized that the ride you are on will soon derail or already has? Do you need to start picking up the pieces of your reality?

It's okay. The first step to healing is realizing that we are not God and that our life has become unmanageable. Does it take work to get healthy? Of course! Anything worthwhile takes work. But we must first get off the ride long enough to start walking in freedom. We must realize our own denial and take a good and honest look at how we've been living and who we've been living for. Only one person can ever truly make us happy and He should be the One we look to for our source of joy. That person is Jesus Christ. It's the one relationship that will bring true joy. It's also the one relationship that can help our other relationships. Psychology is great, and there are many things that can explain the mess we may have made of and in our lives, but spiritual healing and a relationship with Jesus will take us the distance when all other answers fall short. Jesus is simply the best answer to our woes. If you want to be dependent upon another person, let it be Him. His faithfulness endures forever and He will never leave nor forsake us. We can find worth, acceptance and significance in a relationship with our Savior.

I hope you allow God to help you search yourself and look at any co-dependent tendencies and relationships in your life. Whatever He reveals, allow Him to heal both you and your relationships. Being dependent upon someone who is really capable of bringing you happiness will be the best choice you could ever make. Giving up your own control to His control will affect everyone and everything in your life. I hope you give it a try and I hope you truly learn to walk in the freedom He offers.  Trade co-dependency upon others for dependency upon God. I promise you, it has made all the difference in my life and I think it will do wonders for yours!

What am I Ingesting?

As I read various articles, books and news reports, I'm aware that they all influence me. Most are opinions and some even have an element of truth. Just saying that makes me STOP in my tracks. I am reading and being influenced by the opinions of others and some of what I am influenced by may even lack complete truthfulness. I read everything from leadership principles to political views and religious and cultural trends. I think it's time to do a reality check and look to a more consistent source of truth. There is only one place for that, in my "opinion", but also from my personal experience. My source of truth has always been through God's Word; in scripture. It has what this world and its opinions cannot offer.

In scripture God encourages me; He convicts me; He examines me; He excites me; He humbles me; He teaches me; He loves me. In scripture God comes alive to me. He opens my eyes up to the full context of His truth, His love for me, and His amazing grace and relentless pursuit of me.

Oh, I know it is okay to still ingest a healthy amount of information in and from this world because one needs to keep abreast of the times we are in. Being ignorant is not an option in these days and times. However, today's revelation has re-enforced what I already knew. I must ingest far more of God's Word and truth than the world's information. That is a healthy diet and equation. That is a formula for peace. My inner scale must tip in the favor of knowing God and His truth and allowing Him to help my wade through all the muddy waters of anything else that I may ingest.

If my intake of God's Word is consistent, my knowledge of God will grow and my walk with Him will become consistent. My life and my actions will reflect what I read upon the pages of scripture; my Christian walk will be a testimony of grace, truth and redemption. My outward life will reflect my inward content. I have always known this, but it seems as if I go on unplanned diets every now and then. I don't feed my hunger to know God and His Word in a more intimate way. I don't fully activate God's Spirit within me. My bad! I know where my help comes from. My responsibility is to ingest the meal my Savior has prepared, to partake in the full banquet.

So, today, my observations are simple. Why in the world would I waste my time, energy and efforts reading and ingesting such a large volume of things that bring no eternal benefit? And, why, on the other hand, would I not spend so much more of my time, energy and efforts ingesting the treasure and truth of scripture in God's Word? The answer seems like a no-brainer, but I need help remaining consistent. We all do. Left to our own devices, we tend to drift and become complacent. We start to look more to the world for our answers and inspiration than to God's Word, the source of the best answers and inspiration in the entire Universe. My prayer is that the Holy Spirit of God continually prompts me to eat from His table and feast upon His Word. It will keep me satiated and in perfect peace.

So, today I find myself grateful for the way God reminds me to listen to His small still voice. I'm thankful that His Holy Spirit, who lives within me, draws me to a place of introspection and truth, a place where He can teach me to look to Him and draw my views and my truth only from Him. I'm thankful that He will always help me to sort out the rest. First thing's first….maintain a healthy diet with an over-abundance of God's Word and truth. It always secures His Presence; His best plan for me and my life.

A Voice in the Wilderness

I don't like being double-minded. As a matter of fact, the bible speaks against it. So, what does it mean when I feel such a disparaging difference between what I am convicted to say and do and the acceptance or rejection I feel from those who will see or hear my words? I really don't think I'm double-minded to want to put forth an important, yet unpopular, idea. I think what I am feeling is more like insecurity. What will people think of me? What will they say about me? Will they call me religious or legalistic just because I believe what God says and want to live by His standards and help others to see the life-giving benefits of doing the same? Will they roll their eyes because I have conservative values and want to share those same values with people I love and care about? Will they say I'm negative when I share enlightening information, either of a spiritual or political nature, that does not go along with the status quo? Will they judge my outspoken-ness as a critical spirit, saying that my attitude and information will do more harm than good to people who don't happen to see things the same way that I see them?

I really wish I didn't care, but the truth is that I care way too much about what others think or about how I may or may not influence them. It comes from fear of rejection. It comes from wanting to be accepted. It also comes from wanting to encourage people as effectively as possible. It's in that vein, that I believe my struggle lies. I want to encourage people, yet I don't want to fill them with fluff that I feel will just make them feel better momentarily and do nothing to really help them improve their life. I want to encourage them with a good, well-balanced dose of truth, grace, love, information and common sense. I want people to explore truth for themselves and have the power and knowledge to reject lies, half-truths, and ideas that would serve to make them and their lives ineffective and unproductive. I want them to be able to raise their hands and eyes and be lifted up out of the mire that keeps them stuck. I want them to embrace God and learn to stand upright, yet lean into and upon a God that can always be trusted to hold onto them. I want them to know truth and apply it to their lives. I want them to have purpose and peace in their lives. I'm not double-minded about any of that. I am just unsure of my delivery.

Am I praying about what I am convicted to share? Is it being presented in the right way with the right motives? Is it helpful and informative? I would love to say a resounding, "Yes" to those questions. It is something I am more and more conscious of and more and more purposeful to accomplish. My heart and my mind, my ideas and my intent, have to be surrendered to pull that off. I have to be brave and bold enough to say what I feel needs to be said, but humble and pliable enough to let God edit it and be my publisher. Essentially, that is less of me and more of Him. It's difficult to put that forth when I am so very human. It's easier to accomplish when I die to myself and put my head and heart, and all that is filtered through them both, into the hands of my Savior. His words and deeds will shine so much brighter than mine. I have to be careful to listen and obey and not lag behind or run ahead of Him.  I have to let Him lead every part of me in a way that is honoring to Him. If I do that, I'm sure I can leave the results to Him.

The Internet and social media outlets are so powerful in putting forth ideas, agenda and efforts. I vow that I will continue to stand by that which God puts on my heart and in my mind to influence others for Him and for good. Please know that I don't take the privilege of my freedom of speech lightly. That is why I want it filtered through the eyes and heart of God before I say or type it. That which He blesses will be far more effective than that which I conjure up and throw out there on my own. With that being said, please know that I am praying to be a voice in the wilderness, to say what is right, when it is right, in the right way. Oh, how I need God to help me and speak through me. He urged us to speak up and teach current and future generations about Him and His ways, so that they may know and remember what is good and right and true. How will they know if we don't use our voices and all relevant means of communication to put forth that view? As much as He gives me ability and wisdom, I'm speaking up and out for the righteousness of the One who has saved me. Any effectiveness in doing so will be credited to Him, because I am as a clanging cymbal, maybe loud - but totally irrelevant and ineffective, without His power to empower me to do and say what He would have me do and say. My prayer is that He would not only speak to me, but speak loudly and clearly through me. Let it be so, LORD!

Time to Obey God and Leave the Results to Him

I'm only a few days into a New Year, 2015, and I'm thinking about all those things we think about at such a time. I'm thinking about starting over and doing better on some things at which I have not done so well. I'm thinking about becoming more healthy, both physically and spiritually. I'm thinking about a new start. I know I'm not in this mode of thinking on my own. At this time of year, most of us at least think about such things. Fewer actually follow up on our thoughts with appropriate actions. Such is the cycle of insanity wherein many of us find ourselves.

Romans 7:15-24 says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work. When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God' law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am. Who will rescue me from this body of death?"

I think I could have very well pinned the verses above, instead of the Apostle Paul, for I have the very same struggles within my own mind and body. Can I get a witness?! Yes, we all have such struggles. But then we read on into Romans 8 and get a glimpse of what the Spirit of God living within a Christ follower can accomplish through that earthly vessel. Romans 8:10-11 says, "But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit, who lives in you."

Hallelujah! My body and mind may not be willing and/or able to do what is good and right, but the Spirit of Christ living within me is more than able to help me stay the course and finish the race He has set before me. I would do well to keep this in mind as I attempt to turn away from that which brings me down or does me harm and to embrace what it takes to be my best for God's glory in 2015. According to scripture, He is ready to help. I just have to give Him the reigns and stop trying to take them back.

So what are some things I want to allow God to do in and through me in 2015? I want Him to massage my heart to beat for Him and the things that are important to Him. I want to obey God and leave the results to Him. I heard Charles Stanley say that long ago. I cannot think of a more effective game plan for my life. I'm camping out in Romans 8 and living by the Spirit. I'll leave the results to Him!